Fecal References
A History of
the Gentle Art of the Cow Chip Throw
compiled by John Moore
compiled by John Moore
The story of the Cow Chip Throw is the story of our Western
Civilization.
The Cow Chip Throw has been a staple of rural fairs and
festivals for hundreds of years. Today people of all walks of
life in big cities, small hamlets, suburban bedroom communities
with really expensive subdivisions, and even trailer parks enjoy
the spectacle that is the Cow Chip Throw.
Early Man and The Cow Chip
Some anthropologists might believe that 100,000 years ago early
man used cow chips to bring down small game on the plains of
Africa.Warthogs, aardvarks, voles, and rats could all be killed
with a well thrown chip. Such game was probably consumed raw at
the site of the kill. At night these hardy hunters may have
slept under the stars with their cache of chips ever at the
ready to fend off predators.
Did You Know?
It's been speculated that cattle were first domesticated by
early man in order to insure a ready supply of cow chips.
Many modern Cow Chip Throw participants still practice the dietary and personal hygene habits of these prehistoric athletes.
Cow Chip Throwing in the Ancient World
The ancient Greek historian and sports columnist Colonus of
Duodenum wrote of the early Olympic games. He noted that the Cow
Chip Throw was one of the original contests . In the event
participants competed in the nude and threw chips across the
Parthenon. Colonus also documented that the Cow Chip Throw was
the first event ever eliminated from the games (468 B.C.)
Did You Know?
Scatos of Athens was the first Grand Champion of the Olympic Cow
Chip Throw? He won the event in 472 B.C. with a throw of 109
cubits.
Ancient Greece. Best known for the development of the naked Cow
Chip throw.
Roman Persecution
Before the Greeks abandoned the sport it had spread to Rome. By
the time of Emperor Nero, Cow Chip Throws were a regularly
scheduled event in the Coliseum. Apparently winners were held
aloft on the shoulders of gladiators and paraded through the
streets of Rome, afterwhich they were thrown in a pit of lions.
The Roman Senate would declare a holiday and the winner's family
would enjoy a lavish funeral celebration before being burned
alive. Today most events just give the winners an inexpensive
trophy.
Did You Know?
Emperor Nero might have banned the Cow Chip Throw after an
errant chip sailed into his private bath? The Cow Chip throw was
nearly lost forever. Rome's most prominent second place
finishers were forced to flee for their lives.
Lions eliminated the need to refer to any Roman Cow Chip thrower as a "defending champion".
Barbarians at the gate!
As barbarian hordes swept down on the Roman Empire in the 4th &
5th centuries they encountered secret Roman sects still
practicing the Cow Chip Throw. These rugged warriors
were naturally drawn to this event for it's grace, power, and
aromatic qualities. After a full day of rape, pillage, impaling
one's enemies and consuming large quantities of fermented mare's
milk, Goth's and Vandals loved nothing more than a rousing Cow
Chip Throw to end the day.
Did You Know?
Attila the Hun may have once thrown a cow chip across the
Danube River in a fit of rage?
Men who wear hats with horns are twice as likely to throw Cow Chips as men who don't wear hats at all.
Did you know?
Haggis is a sheep's stomach filled with chopped lamb lungs,
brains, beef suet, kidneys, liver,onion, and special seasonings.
It's then boiled and served steaming hot. Haggis is NOT served
at the Chatham Jaycees Sweet Corn Festival.
The Middle Ages
The Cow Chip Throw spread rapidly in Europe during the Middle
Ages. By 1600 there were organized throws in Scotland, France,
Austria, and the Netherlands. In Scotland the event was known as
the Celtic Dung Hurl and was heralded by the playing of many
bagpipes. Winners were awarded with a steaming plate of Haggis.
Non-winners were forced to eat as many as three plates of
Haggis. This incentive made the Highland clans the most dominant
throwers of the era.
Bagpipes Rule!
Nostradamus and the Cow Chip Throw
Some scholars who interperet the writings of Nostradamus seem to
believe that he was obsessed with the Sport of Cow Chip
Throwing. Of greatest interest the famous 9th Century 137th
Quatrain:
Merde farouches de faim fleuues tranner;
part du champ encontre Bovine sera,
En cage de fer le grand fera treisner poop,
Quand rien enfant de Chatham obseruera.
Which some people accept as a prediction that the Cow Chip throw
will some day become more popular than the WNBA and chia pets.
Did you know?
Born on December 14, 1503 in St. Remi, France. Nostradamus may
have become France's greatest Cow Chip thrower. He however chose
to study medicine instead.
Visonary lunatic or Lunatic visionary? You decide.
Along with horses, smallpox, and distilled spirits, Eurpoean
settlers brought the Cow Chip Throw to the New World. In
colonial America the Cow Chip Throw was announced by the town
crier. Small towns and villages would often challenge each other
to friendly competition. In 17th century New England women began
to compete in Cow Chip Throws along with the men. Eventually
some of the women actually threw farther than their male
counterparts. These women were known as witches and they were
either burned, hanged, or sometimes both depending on the local
customs. In 1771 King George III of England forbid the American
colonies from exporting their chips to the United Kingdom. This
resulted in the Cow Chippers revolt of 1772. British soldiers
became the target of many a chip.
Did you know?
England's King George III probably never threw a Cow Chip. If he
had, it's possible that the course of history would have been
very different.
George III
King of England
Tyrant
Not a Cow Chip Thrower
Did you know?
That after 1776 every American, well, every white male property
owing American over the age of 25, was free to practice Cow Chip
Throwing in the manner in which they deemed best.
An American Tradition begins
Born in 1809 in Kentucky Abraham Lincoln was undoubtably
familiar with cow chips. The great Emancipator's possible
nickname while he lived in New Salem as a young man was the Chip
Slinger. During the 1860 Presidential election some slick
marketing guys from New York probably changed this to Rail
Splitter. Although no records exist, it's somewhat possible that
Abe sought solace in the fields around his beloved Springfield
(and Chatham) joyfully tossing chips while Mary had another of
her "migranes". Anyway, he became President saved the Union
yadda yadda yadda.
Did you know?
Abraham Lincoln never attended a Chatham Jaycees Sweet Corn
Festival. Now aren't you glad you are not Abraham Lincoln?
"You'd have to shoot me in the head to ever get me back to
Springfield, Illinois"
A. Lincoln April 14 1865
Civilization often advances rapidly during wartime, the Civil War was no exception. Surgeons became adept at amputating limbs without the benefit of anestesia, telegraph lines facilitated the rapid spread of news, photography brought pictures of the war to the world, hookers got their catchy name, and Cow Chip Throwing gained national attention.
In 1863 at the battle of Polecat Creek, General Ambrose Brownfinger led his Union troops against a Confederate force of a superior size. In a strange coincidence (possibly due to the presence of several large brewerys in the area), neither force arrived on the battlefield with any ammunition. For three long days the opposing forces exchanged insults across the skirmish lines.
In a stroke of genius (some say as the result of an actual stroke) Gen. Brownfinger ordered his men to gather Cow Chips and throw them at the rebel soldiers. The greycoats soon broke ranks and retreated. The Union troops won the day!
Did you know?
Inspired by his troops at the Battle of Polecat creek Gen.
Ambrose Brownfinger committed his life to the sport of Cow Chip
throwing. His "Brownfinger's Rules" are still used today
worldwide. For most of his life he suffered from a persistent
unexplainable case of e. coli infection. He died penniless,
syphilitic, and insane in 1899. By many he is considered the
father of the modern Cow Chip Throw.
Rebels without a Chip
No photos exist of General Brownfinger
The Hero of Polecat Creek
The Cow Chip throw today
In 1946 near Roswell, New Mexico, a strange craft reportedly
crashed. Witnesses later stated that the alien vehicle was
saucer shaped or chip-like in design. Experts (hey we consider
them experts) speculate that advanced civilizations have been
visiting our planet for years collecting data on Cow Chips. As
far as you know the U.S. Air Force has been conducting
experiments with Cow Chips beginning in the early 1950's. In
certain circles Cow Chips are thought to be naturally radar
absorbent. Cow Chips could be the link between space alien
technology and super secret government aerospace projects.
Did you know?
The U.S. Government wants you to believe that the similarity in
shape between the B2 bomber and a cow chip is only a
coincidence. Others say it's clearly conspiracy. We invite the
reader to draw your own conclusion.
Chip shaped objects have been sighted across the world.
The Chatham Jaycees are recognized world-wide as leaders in Cow Chip technology. Carefully chosen cows are the major component of the Cow Chip manufacturing process. Once the cows have been selected, every step of the process is carefully and scientifically monitored. Throughout the Spring and Summer prodction is in high gear. Chips fall at a rate of several hundred a day in our super secret fields.
Soon it's harvest time.
Only the choicest Chips are selected for the Illinois Championship Cow Chip Throw. Each chip is hand picked by our Chipmasters and lovingly dried on a vacant lot in a really expensive subdivision. Chip technicians evaluate, grade, and select over 300 chips based on size, shape, overall aerodynamic quality, and fiber content. The latest high tech equipment is always used to ensure competition grade chip quality and to protect public safety.
Did you know?
The Cow Chip is seen by some proponents of Intelligent Design as
a proof of their theory. They claim that "evolution" cannot
explain how cattle developed the ability to produce Cow Chips,
which have no apparent use to the animal. They argue that
without thumbs cattle lack the grip required to throw a chip any
distance at all ! Therefore it only makes sense that an
"intelligence" "designed" cattle specifically for the benefit of
the only creature who possesses a thumb, Man, and to a lesser
extent, chimpanzees, gorillas, orangutans, gibbons, monkeys, and
lemurs.
Stealth Technology based on Cow Chips?
Our team of Chip Technicians personally inspect each chip
